I remember a teammate in the youth team [aka when I was young, eh] asking me: “I saw you around the city the other day. Do you always walk around smiling like an idiot?” ..and yes, I did. Because I was happy.
But then things happened.
Some years ago my aunt commited suicide and like 9 months later a friend of ours died when he was only 20. These things haunted me for so long that it made me physically sick, the doctors told me that I “might have some life-threatening diseases” and made me wait for an actual diagnosis for several weeks which obviously didn’t help my mental state. After all this shit had passed [I don’t have anything life-threatening, in case you’re wondering now] I got to know someone who I thought I could finally trust again but he ended up using me as a sexual toy and then dropping me like a hot potato instead of being there for me as he had promised. I started moving into my own little world because I was too scared to let anyone in anymore and it turned out I don’t have many friends that actually make an effort to have me in their lives if I don’t make the first move. Well, unless they need a favour or something, you can imagine. I tried to get out of this, I finished my studies [romance studies and German linguistics] and dreamt of moving to a new country to teach German. But the job hunting didn’t seem to bear fruit, so I got more and more frustrated; nothing to do to be productive, no friends to kill free time, too depressed to go out and search for new people. A vicious circle.
Ironically it was Friday 13 when things finally turned out well, I got a job in Madrid, España and I’m currently working there as a German teacher. Yet still I’m not cured, the past years have turned me into an anxious little shit, I’m scared I’ll never be happy, I’m lonely but unable to open up to people, I want someone to heal me but I don’t want to let anyone in. One part of me hopes for a better future and the other part has stopped believing.
A nice conclusion for this story would be how I plan to get out of this in the future to get myself a happy ending but I literally have no clue. I’ll keep you updated.
Thanks for your attention.
Well the next post is no. 17.000. As you might already know I always try to post something semi-special for these numbers and this time I decided to write about my story of the past years aka the things that have turned me into this frustrated, anxious and antisocial thing I am today.
Sorry in advance for the long ass text post.